SUCCESS

I once knew a man who sought success. He wanted it all — the nice home, the fine clothes, all the trappings of those we consider to be rich and powerful. He never achieved the success he wanted, only the pretense of having achieved it. He seemed content instead to merely associate with those who had ‘made it’, hoping that some of their success would rub off on him.

Whether or not he was capable of creating his own success, or whether he was simply not willing to put forth the necessary effort, I cannot say. Still, I feel certain that when he went home at night, leaving behind those people who gave him a sense of importance, there must have been a great emptiness that engulfed him. While it may have been easy to fool others with his show of success, it couldn’t have been so easy to fool himself. I feel certain when he looked in the mirror and was confronted with the truth of what he saw, that he was not a happy man.

I took a good look at myself a while back, but the mirror I looked into was in the eyes of a friend. As we spoke, I felt a sudden prick at my heart. He didn’t look at me coldly, or harshly. I saw no judgment in his eyes. I did, however, see a great deal of sadness. The same kind of sadness I’m sure many saw in Jesus’ eyes, when they spoke with Him face to face. When their words or actions betrayed the poor, half-hearted way they really loved God.

For a while I had felt something lacking in my walk with the Lord. With that one look, I was forced to search my soul to a new depth and I didn’t much like what I saw. Like the man who sought success, I wanted the peace, the contentment, the joy that comes from a close, meaningful relationship with the Lord, but I had been unwilling to really work at it. Unwilling to spend enough time with Him in prayer, maybe more importantly, in just being quiet before Him, allowing Him to speak to me as He wanted.

It’s not that I wasn’t capable, though I used to excuse myself by saying things like, ‘Lord, you see, I had this really bad childhood. My family life was so messed up that it’s difficult for me to establish a relationship with anyone, even with You.' But, suddenly, He refused to let me blame my past anymore. He made it clear that He wants a relationship with me - one on one. No matter how broken all of my past relationships have been. In other words ‘no excuses’.

He suddenly refused to allow me any longer to be content with just riding the spiritual coattails of others, or to be satisfied by filling my life with experiences or activities, even Godly ones, in place of that relationship with Him. While I might have fooled others, I could not fool myself. When I was alone I could not run away from the emptiness, the aloneness and the discontent I felt for who I was, and in many ways, who I still am.

I am learning that the Lord, in His mercy, will not allow me to be content in that place. He will not allow me to love Him anymore only at my convenience. To be content to pray only when things have gotten so bad that I feel I have no where else to turn. He will no longer accept a half-hearted relationship with Him. It must be all or nothing.

Quite frankly, in some ways, I find the thought of allowing anyone too close to me, even God himself, somewhat frightening. I’ve spent too many years building these walls to protect myself. I’ve spent too many years learning to be self-sufficient. The thought of giving anyone, including the Lord, control of my life, is a scary thing, but somehow, lately, I find it all the more frightening not to.

In His mercy, there have been those times when He has allowed me to feel very close to Him, to taste of His sweetness enough to know that I will never be satisfied with anything less, and, in His mercy, at times He has just as graciously removed His presence from me, to remind me perhaps of what I would be missing, for all of time and eternity, without Him. -- ©1999 Rachel Whelan

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